Yet..

Every year I'm so proud of you,
Yet every year I get a bit sadder.

You're blossoming into beautiful children,
Yet you're drifting away a bit.

No longer babies,
Yet forever in my heart you will be.

School has started, you're talking now, writing, running, laughing.
Yet I try to protect you as if you're still a fragile newborn.

I'm grateful for our giggles, playtime and bond.
Yet I dislike that one day you'll leave.

Growing up looks amazing on you.
Yet I'll always miss you being this little.

You make me so happy being so independent.
Yet I cannot fathom the thought of you not needing me one day.

Letting your child go

Where do I begin?
If I start to let him go now, where does it end?
Yes he comes back, but is it the old him?
I'm not prepared to let my heart and soul just walk around and engage with others.
Tell me it gets easier.
Tell me I'm just being a mom who's sending her first born to school and it gets better..

Missing Her

I watched a child's movie that reminded me of how she isn't around..
Of how it hurts that she's gone.
Im selfish for feeling this pain when I had multiple opportunities to be with her when she was here.
I beg others often to not wait till the moment is done for, do it now, feel it in your every bone and within your heart.
She loved me endlessly but I'll never hear her say it again.
I haven't cried in awhile and that angers me as if she's forgotten. 
I've tucked it all away so that I can continue living, how is that fair!
It's been over 4 years but the pain hasn't lessened any.
Is she watching over me? My children? She absolutely adored my husband. 
I wont leave this house because she set foot in it.
My heart holds on to every bit of her as if my life depended on it.
I miss her is an understatement.
We weren't prepared, ready, aware.
Can there be a do-over?  So I can tell her everything I held on to?
I miss you, she misses you, we could really use your laugh today.

Sweet little cheeks

Those sweet little cheeks will change your life.

Whether they're wet from crying or sticky from breakfast, they are simply perfect.
They make the world a better place and they can also bring you to your boiling point.
Them cheeks are super soft, super loveable.

My how they've changed my every day look on life.  The world doesn't revolve around me or the smallest silliest issues anymore.  I worry about the best diapers to the funnest toys all the way to providing them with the best education. 

This mama bear may not look her best (at any point), but my God do they look like spotless models for Carter's.  The focus is on them and we love it.  These sweet cheeks happen to be our everything, our world, hearts and souls.

Sometimes I don't know

Some days I just don't know..
I don't know how I do what I do.
I don't know if I'll be able to do it all over again tomorrow.
I don't always have the answers to my own questions, let alone to others'.
I'm unsure of what I need to say to make it all better.
Will it ever get better?
Do miracles really happen?
Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing?
I just don't know.

Unsure of how I feel and why I feel that way.
Unsure of myself most days, but I wing it.
Am I allowed to be tired?
Or tired of being in pain every day?
Or maybe even to be upset when things can clearly be worse?
I just don't know.

I'm thankful, blessed and annoyed.
I shouldn't be complaining, I tell myself.
I shouldn't be a lot of things, but here I am, killing it.
Is it ok that I don't know?

A tough week

I've been MIA for a couple of days.
I'm struggling to stay upbeat.
I'm finding it hard to smile.
It's been a rough week.

I need help, time, to be more patient, to see the good in things, to calm down.
Life is testing me and I feel that I'm failing.
It's been a rough week.

Losing hope, sleep, myself and loved ones.
The tears no longer help so I keep searching.
The search for answers, for a break, for good news, for anything at all is just a black hole.
It's been a rough week.

Let me be..
I'm breaking, hopeless and emptying quickly.
Let me be..
Miserable, unappreciative, weak and bitter.

...It's been a rough week...

Friendships as an adult

When you're an adult, you don't always think that friendships are necessary anymore because well.. you're an adult.  You're free to do as you please, come and go, whatever you want. 

But then you experience moments throughout your adult life, such as loss, grievance, new job, marriage, children, even a breakdown and you begin to realize how important those friendships we're back when.

I'll tell you one thing, making NEW friends as an adult, sucks!  You no longer just go with the flow, you're precise, picky and have a certain someone that'll click with your own personality.  Mom friends are ESPECIALLY hard to make and keep.

You look at profiles and think: 
Yeah! She seems down to earth.. not high maintenance, let's be friends.
Only.. she's thinks you're too low maintenance, you're not a coffee lover like her, or your kids are just too young.

I took our son to a place where he can see large vehicles, touch them and go play in them.  Most of the individuals that were there were moms with other moms.  There were a few families here and there but mostly it was moms.  
Do you have mom friends? Or dad friends? I'm curious as to how one meets and makes another parent-friend. 

We're all so diverse that sometimes it gets in the way.  

What are the secrets to making and keeping friendships as an adult?

And then it hit me...

As I'm laying in my king size bed, with one arm under one child and the other holding another child from falling off the bed, I started to get a bit "iffy" because I couldn't move.

And then... It hit me.

The one thing I've wanted to always feel in past relationships.. the one feeling that I couldn't really feel until I had my kids; to be needed.

Instead of getting upset or huffy and puffy that I can't move or get comfortable, I realized that I should be embracing this very moment.  This very exact moment where I am needed.  I remind myself daily that there are couples, women, men that would do anything for nights like these..

We (or at least I) sometimes forget what we've longed for in our pasts.  What we've searched endlessly for only to never find it.  This is what it means to view the glass half full, (half full doesn't seem too bad when you have little ones running around, right?).

I am needed day and night, literally.  We're a co-sleeping family, so mama bear duties don't stop just because it's night time.  Have I wanted a quick break from it all? Absolutely.  When I do get my break, would you like to guess what happens?  I end up missing my little monsters that make my heart oh so complete and get home as soon as I can.

It again..hit me.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

This mama bear is both grateful and blessed to have what she does, that's never forgotten.